The Finch at the Feeder

"The way to know if you've written desserts (as opposed to deserts) is that you must remember that with dessert, you always want more."
--A fat teacher I had once

How's that for encouraging obesity? Still, the lesson stuck with me. I never make the mistake of writing something like "I had to eat to deserts before I was satisfied" or "Bin Laden is hiding somewhere in the dessert." Mnemonic devices are wacky, because you carry them around with you whether you like it or not for most of your life. (Insert spouse/STD/Catholic guilt joke here)

A few months ago Stevi accidentally demolished her 1st generation iPhone. She quickly replaced it, because, let's face it, iPhones are just remarkable, but I thought we could get some money out of the smashed one. I listed it on eBay as a working iPhone with a cracked screen, and set the low bid at $80. I thought if she got at least $100 out of it, it would be worth the trouble.

As it turns out, there's a pretty high demand for 1st generation iPhones, because 3Gs aren't hackable. So, her broken iPhone sold for almost $250.

We were celebrating big time, until we get an email from the buyer. He thinks the broken iPhone is too broken. He wants a refund. Plus, he's from Germany, and his emails are riddled with German/English hybrid words that I couldn't make any sense of. He was ultra-pissed, in a way that only a non-English-speaking German can be. Two of my favorite lines from his collection of crazy emails:

"Hello. Yes, I have not made everything, IPHONE to REACTED!! the LCD CRACKED!!! I HAVE SAID 100 TIMES; DISPLAY DOES NOT WORK, FROM SIDE IHNEREN CRACK!!!! DEFECT!!! KAPUT!!!! DISPLAY THOT!!! I ASK TO THEM; OR TAKE THE IPHONE BACK OR A LCD SCREEN ME ASKS SEND"

"iPhone I have shopped for my children Christmas Present. And now everything broken :-("

Anyway, he ended up filing an official case against us, and I had to fill out all of this PayPal nonsense, and it was a huge hassle. PayPal takes so, so long to respond to anything. They requested more information from this guy until finally, finally, finally they deduced that he was either deranged or a liar. No refund for you.


In other news. In half a month I'll be attending AWP, which I'm hoping (perhaps naively) is going to help shape the next few years of my life in some way. I'm determined to make it unforgettable, so I'd better meet some good contacts, or I'll have to resort to other, less productive thrill seeking. I'm also going to be representing The Broken Plate, which I'm more than a little excited about. The launch in March should be pretty great stuff. In the meantime, I'm trying to submit to as many literary magazines as possible. A few of my options:





Deciding what to send to these puppies is not an easy task. After working as an editor of a lit mag for six months, I understand the process a little better. The formula seems to be: attention-getting but not obnoxious, fresh but not outlandish, wry but not self-satisfied, and who knows what else. The only thing to really do is write your best and send it everywhere. Whomever likes it will like it.


I was going to make this about twice as long but I'm incredibly hungry and also sleepy. Here's a lovely picture of Stevi reading: