The Finch at the Feeder

Those of you who know me realize; this is a serious blow.

Today I read an article that justifies all the ripping, burning, downloading and pirating I haven't been doing since I first installed Napster back in The Year 2000.

Here ya go.

For my lazy friends and followers, the article explains that record labels (as well as composers, writers, and publishers) of music are petitioning the government, asking them to charge Apple a "performance fee" every time a 30-second preview clip of their song is played.

No, this is not made up. They want Apple to pay them to advertise their products.


Here's an idea: why don't movie theaters pay studio executives every time they show their trailers? And why doesn't NBC bill me every time I carry my Dunder Mifflin umbrella?


The music industry has reached a new low, and I'm striking back. Everyone, please post the name of one CD (preferably from a major label) that you would like to own, but don't. I'll download it and make a free copy for you.

...of course I'm kidding! Haha, that's so illegal that it is barely funny. I would never do that. BUT! To make the joke even funnier/more realistic, go ahead and send me your address or whatever in a private message. That way I can "send you the CD." Haha!


They say that laughter is the best medicine, which is why I am pulling this awesome joke. Maybe it will cure the record industry of their stupid, stupid greed.

A recap of the joke: Comment below with the name of a CD you would like to own (and would probably buy eventually, unless someone made you a copy, in which case you definitely won't). Then, send me your address and I'll send you a free, illegal copy of that CD, no questions asked.

Just kidding!

What child of the 90’s didn’t own a copy of post-punk group Chumbawamba’s breakout record Tubthumper? The album with the purple baby on the front is a pop-culture artifact—an instantly recognizable record that was in virtually everyone’s collection, from pop-music junkies to indie kids, from alternative rockers to hardcore punks. There was only one problem with the album—it didn’t meet anyone’s expectations.

See, Chumbawamba became a household name upon the release of their single “Tubthumping,” the dance rock hit that spent 3 months at the top of the charts, not to mention in everyone’s heads. So beloved was the song, in fact, that millions rushed out to by this record from a band they’d never heard of, hoping to get more songs with the same catchy party-pop sensibilities.

Instead, they got album full of experimental oddities, spoken-word clips, strange instrumentation, and a lot of other stuff that was decidedly un-fun. “Tubthumping” was a fluke, or at least was completely unrepresentative of Chumbawamba’s art as a whole.

After reading actual air, I feel like I purchased Tubthumper all over again. It isn’t that it is a bad book—far from it—instead, it is an unexpected book, a book that sets itself up one way, and then goes in an entirely different direction, never to return.

I bought actual air because I had loved “Snow,” “Classic Water,” and “The Charm of 5:30,” three of the poems featured in Part I of the book. All three are straightforward narratives, sharp with insight and image, completely beautiful and absolutely touching.

Indeed, most of the poems in Part I can be described in this way. Although the three I had read before picking up actual air are still my favorites, poems like "Imagining Defeat" and "The Moon" stand out for their soft, charming quirkiness and unique turns of phrase. One sample line: “Then she brought something black up to her mouth / a plum I thought, but it was an asthma inhaler.”

It is in parts 2 and 3, however, that the book takes an odder, less-accessible turn. Multi-part poems that go on for 8 pages, loose associations that leave their poems anchorless, and an affinity for the crass (“We watched ‘motherfuckers’ crackle out of his mouth. / He wanted something. Something like a mini-mart blowjob.”) seem almost completely unrelated to the sweet, quiet poems that usher them in.

Even the subject matter in parts 2 and 3 is a vast contrast to that which is found in part 1. Part 1 features personal poems that seem at once intimate and universal. Parts 2 and 3 have got everything from anti-establishment to sci-fi. “The Night Nurse Essays” is even part murder mystery.

In all three parts, Berman makes it clear that he has a thing for sound. Even in some of the book’s worst poems, redemption is found in lines like “She wore a dress of voting booth curtains / to a party at the coroner’s split-level ranch.” Berman is the front man for a rock band called Silver Jews, and his rhythms carry over nicely into his poetry.

All in all, I can’t really say too much against this book. There aren’t any bad poems here, and, while the latter poems might not be as easy to emotionally connect with, it is hard not to get excited by Berman’s technique. No, the real problem with this book lies with the reader, namely me. I bought it expecting the confessional, the intimate, the emotionally vulnerable. What I got was a solid book of poems that has more to say than I could’ve thought possible. Despite the missed expectations, I wouldn’t hesitate to call Berman a great contemporary poet.

Which is more than I can say for anyone in Chumbawamba.

Kanye got me thinking. I've never seen Taylor Swift or Beyonce's videos, because I believe women should be in the kitchen making pies, not in the studio making music (can I get a hell yea?), but I do understand the urge to just say something when you don't agree with a decision that it completely out of your control. I think that I come off as having a good deal of grace in a lot of situations, but that's because I work at it. More often than not, I want to linguistically bust somebody up, but I keep my mouth shut because it's impossible to change someone's mind directly. You have to be sneaky.


My parents got me a Kindle. I was anti-Kindle when they first released (OMG, they'll burn all the books!) and then I was Kindle-neutral for a long time. Then I started researching and it actually started to sound pretty damned desirable. What's more important, the message or the medium? Then I figured if they do decide to start burning the books, I'd better be familiar with the Kindle, so I can write with that layout in mind. I subscribed to Narrative right off the bat, because they were the first literary magazine to be released in Kindle format. It's a so-so publication. They charge a whopping $20 reading fee for submissions, but then solicit about half of the issue's content from big-name writers. Then again, the magazine is free online, so...

Maybe I would feel differently if I was more impressed with the content. Nothing all memorable, really. One of the stories reminded me almost exactly of the work of a writer I used to know. She "secretly" thought she was much more talented than I, and I always found that sort of hilarious. I wish nothing bad upon this writer, but do look forward to the day when I am successful and she is stuck in traffic on the morning commute.

I also got American Pastoral for free because of a credit card trick I pulled. Please do not tell Amazon.


How about this--I played nearly 4 hours of Halo 3 today. How's that for wasting your time and life, and how do I ever plan to become successful if I do things like that? There is no answer for that one. My brother seems to look up to me when I play with him, and I love that feeling. Need it even. And I am afraid it won't last forever. OK, maybe there is one answer.


But hey, don't hate to hard on K-West. He's hardly the first to storm the stage at the VMAs. Remember this? Much more dangerous, and probably more rude. Though if I lost anything to Fred Durst, I'd probably climb something, too.

My fan mail used to be so diverse. Faithful readers would praise my recent work, send pictures of their pets doing crazy things, ask me for my egg salad recipe, but now it is all the same: we love what you write, but you really need to update more often.

Well, followers, I hear you. That's why I'm making a new covenant: I will update at least 3 times a week, or I will close this blog forever. If I'm not writing consistently, what's the point?

When I was younger, I'd write one or two longish entries a day, most of them about nothing. Those got more comments--and, honestly, were more interesting--than most of the stuff I'm producing now. I can get back to that. I've got to.

So, as a tribute to those something-out-of-nothing entries, here are five things about today.


1. I passed by a man on the street that smelled exactly like walking tacos. I was on my way to lunch, so my immediate impulse was to eat him. I did not. Good thing, too, because his shirt was covered in what looked like motor oil.


2. Remember the boff that yelled "you lie!" during our president's speech? It turns out he and his family have one-payer, government-run health care. Smooth move, Senator. The article goes on to say that he has called TRICARE (the stuff he gets) "a low cost, comprehensive health plan that is portable and available in some form world-wide." and "world class health care." He continues to hypocrite it up, saying "I am grateful to have four sons now serving in the military, and I know that their families appreciate the availability of TRICARE." Wow, you think? People like, you know, having their medical expenses covered? What a revelation. This guy is a pot.


3. I've been selling a few unneeded items on craigslist lately. This morning, an interested party sent me this email:

If I can pay in all cash, how low are you willing to go?

Here are the problems I have with this question:

-I seriously take issue with people who refuse to counter-offer. I already put a price on the thing; if you want to pay less, say what you can pay. Don't insult my intelligence.

-If he can pay in all cash? What does he think other buyers are offering, bags of grain? Half cash, half gaming tokens? Maybe I read too much into the tone, but it seemed like was trying to "cut me a deal" by offering to buy in American currency. What the hell.

-The ad said that the price I'd suggested was low. Significantly less than the item is worth. I responded that if he could pay soon, I'd take a little less than that. He responded with his offer: less than half of my second offer. I'm all for haggling, but this isn't a Moscow bazaar, guy. I advised him to take his cash (all of it) and put it somewhere private.


4. I am more and more thankful for my job every day. Recent graduates all over the place are taking pretty much any job they can snag, and here I have a salaried, not-too-difficult position that is somewhat in my field and also totally secure. It's also fun around 70% of the time. This place is a safe-haven for as long as I'd like it to be, and that rules.


5. I've been reading a lot today about different schooling styles. We're working on a story about free schools (in which students study basically whatever they like, and at whatever pace they choose, so I've been looking into all of it. I was shocked to find so many parents dissing the public school system. I'll paraphrase all of the arguments into one super-argument:

"No school is good enough for my child. (Some government person) has ruined all the schools here. Private schools are expensive and snobby. Homeschooling is the only good thing to do for your children!"

Listen, I don't have a problem with homeschooling in theory. But the fact is, it isn't so awesome in practice. Especially when they reach age 13 or so. Social interaction, teamwork, and dealing with the tough stuff like bullies and jerk teachers is what prepares you to succeed, not math by mom.

Can you name one person who was home-schooled K-12 and isn't "soft?" Me neither. To prove my point further, here is a list of "A-Z Homeschool Success Stories." I recognize only a handful of names on the list, and half of those handful were taught by private tutors. I hardly think that qualifies.

I think it shows some pretty serious arrogance when a parent thinks he or she can teach his/her kid better than a whole team of teachers and peers. Moms, dads, you're putting your kids at a serious disadvantage.


6. Hey, an extra item! Everyone in Indy go to Hoaglin's and get the "adult PB&J." Fresh-cut strawberries, ground peanuts, PB and preserves on whole-wheat, lightly toasted. Send thank-you notes to: theoriginalandrewclark {at} gmail {dot} com.