The Finch at the Feeder

Here are some quotes by one of the bestselling authors of all time. I'm sure you'll see why.


Well, when I was 13, for my bar mitzvah I received my first typewriter. And that was special.


I used to get a haircut every Saturday so I would never miss any of the comic books. I had practically no hair when I was a kid!


I have a cheat-sheet for each one of my characters about their personality, the way they look, etc. So there is no possible way that I could have writer's block.


Read. Read. Read. Just don't read one type of book. Read different books by various authors so that you develop different styles.


I feel happy to terrify kids.


I guess I'm way too kind and generous, and a saint - if you can believe that!


Making my class laugh and getting in trouble. I was the class clown. [sic]





Robert Lawrence Stine, you are truly an inspiration.


All quotes provided by the sometimes ironically-named brainyquotes.com

Obama steps up, getting both groups' attention. He says that he will cut the area directly in half and give one part to each. One side says "OK." The other side says "No, please, don't cut it in half. Just give it to them." Obama awards the second group the Holy Land, because they are the real mom.

Then Obama has a ton of wives. The end.

Sometimes flowery and sweet just doesn't cut the personal pan pizza. A lyricist with genuine talent knows when to bring the filth. Here are five of my gritty favorites.

"Dodging armpit stench / aromatic..."
From Frame by Frame by The Honorary Title

I think Jordan decided not to like this band specifically because of this lyric.


"The matress creaks beneath / the symphony of misery and come / still we lie jerking back and forth / and blurring into one"
Second Best by Pedro the Lion

It was really difficult to pick just one Pedro lyric, but this won out after plenty of deliberation.


"If I swallow anything evil / put your finger down my throat."
Behind Blue Eyes by The Who

Oh the undertones.


"I spend most days putting off / that which can't wait until I'm knee deep / in my own waste."

Bed Abuse by Owen

Knee deep. Like, it's up to his knees, and he's...moving in it.


"It was rare to do much more than / simply mess around in the car / it was mostly mutual / masturbation."
In the Car by Barenaked Ladies.

Steven Page looks like this:



Enough said.

: - \ <---The Proverbial Long Face.


The Shimmy

"like if you're playing Clue, and it is really hard, and no one can figure out the mystery, and then your dad realizes he never put the three cards in the case envelope and instead just passed them all out. then anytime your family wants to play clue again, someone goes "don't let dad be in charge of the cards!" and everyone kinda laughs and winks at him, and your dad has a red face, and he's smiling too. and then, while you're playing, the family cat jumps on the table, and mom goes "looks like someone wants to be a detective!" and your little brother goes "he can be on my team!" and there is just so much laughing."


"every night at 2:20 am, nathan comes downstairs for a midnight snack. it is usually leftovers; occasionally it is ice cream or nacho chips. after he finishes his snack, cleans up and heads back upstairs, he always sees a dark ghost standing by his front door. it used to startle him, but anymore he is used to it. he's even started saying 'hello ghost' when he's reached the third or forth step. he's come to regard the ghost as his only friend. today, nathan lost his favourite black coat. tonight, his best friend will be gone, too."





"gentle jeffery burst into flames next to the telescope. people came running in towards jeffery! "please, please help" cried jeffery. two middle-aged ladies and a retired professor hit him with golf clubs for burning the telescope."


""yum," said georgie to margaret on their first date, "this sure is good soup." "i know," replied margaret, softly, "it's made of several different kinds of poisons and there are also small children in the recipe." the soup was so good that georgie could not stop eating. "what good soup." he said."


"there are six cheerful pigeons on a roof. "this is a nice roof," commented one pigeon. they griped together about the weather. one of the larger pigeons was a bomb."


"4:25! 4:25! said the alarm clock. jasper punched it. "ouch! that must hurt!" jasper looked in his closet and pulled out a....GIANT HAND!!!! "i must use this today!" the GIANT HAND told him where to go. "you must to go to mayberry street!" "ok i will" guess what was on mayberry street? the LAUNDROMAT! jasper and the GIANT HAND went inside, but poor jasper had to hold the door open for people. "GET OUT!" said the guy at the counter. "hey man, i'm just doing my laundry and you're yelling all the time at me especially when i just walked in the door" the GIANT HAND took jasper gently by the shoulder. "it's time." "ok" the counter guy took one look and BAM! BAM! BAM! actually there were only two BAM!s but it's ok that there are three but remember there were only two. "i love you GIANT HAND" "i love you jasper""




Some Videos.

Much has been made of the complexities and mystery behind Sigur Rós' lyrics. There is a rumor circulating that these guys are from Iceland, but I say that's a crock.

The truth is, these guys are just messing with our heads. If you listen closely to Glósóli, for instance, you'll learn that it's an entire song about a Chinese food craving. Here are some sample lyrics--see for yourself.

Glósóli - Sigur Rós


0:30-0:40 A ten-second yawn.

0:43 I want some food / after this day of dread...

0:56 And Carrot stew / ain't cutting it.

1:13 I have a goat small / (to goat) no, I won't hurt you.

1:35 There's only one thing... / where's that menu?

1:45 Oh, it's here!

1:57 Crab Rangoon!

2:00-3:40 (The narrator waits and waits, mumbling to himself about politics)

3:41 Oh, here is food!

3:55 Yeah, my food!

4:08 Oh yeah, my food!

4:16 Thanks man...

4:20 I LOVE THIS FOOD!

4:34 Oh YEAH! This FOOD! / Crab rangoon! Wontons too! / Noodle dish! Taste the squish! / I will certainly have leftovers!

Cloverfield spoiler alert:

It turns out someone was just playing "Brain Stew" on really good speakers.

Bad Names for Orphanages:

Dr. Zhivago's Home for the Unwanted
Baby Barn
Essentially Slaves
Wretches Unlimited
Taco Bell
Walter Wrigley's Urchin Emporium

People I am Justified in Frowning Upon:

Bad tippers
People that can't hold their liquor
People that say they like sushi but only eat California rolls
Those that dressed as the Joker or Sarah Palin last Halloween
"Writers" that make a show of scribbling erratically in their notebooks in public places
Drivers that have an Icthus (Jesus Fish) on the back of their car but cut you off in traffic
Parents that take their kids into restaurants and let them do whatever they like
Whomever keeps busting up our apartment building
& More